When your body won't cooperate (and why that's not the problem)

I want to tell you about someone I see in my practice all the time.

He's usually over 55. Divorced. Finally dating again after years in a marriage where intimacy had faded to almost nothing.

And now? He's met someone incredible. Someone who lights him up in ways he forgot were possible.

But his body won't cooperate.

Here's what's happening: Erections were never a problem in the marriage. Not once. Even when everything else was falling apart, that part worked fine. Now he's with someone new. Someone he's wildly attracted to, someone who makes him feel alive again—and suddenly, erectile dysfunction.

How is that even possible?

Here's why:

It's not medical. (He's already been to the doctor. Labs are fine. No high blood pressure, no diabetes, nothing physical.)

It's not the pills. (He's tried them. They're not working.)

It's anxiety.

He's putting enormous pressure on his penis to perform the way it did with his ex-wife. You know, before kids, before stress, before life got complicated. He thinks his new partner is incredibly desirable, but his nervous system is in overdrive with expectations.

And the more pressure he puts on it, the less it cooperates.

What I tell him:

✔ Your erectile dysfunction doesn't matter. At least not the way you think it does.

✔ Your partner may enjoy penetrative sex, but what she really wants is your connection and presence. Even calling everything else "foreplay" reveals the problem: you're centering something that might not be the main event for her at all.

✔ Show up with presence, playfulness, and vulnerability. Touch and be touched even without an erection. Explore what feels good for both of you without the pressure of performance. You might even find you can climax in a soft state. (True statement.)

✔ When you release the performance anxiety, erections often return naturally. Because they're incredibly sensitive to stress and expectations.

Here’s my mantra, both personally and professionally: No pressure. No rush. No expectations.

That's the key to genuine pleasure and connection.

Read my full article on LInkedIn for the complete story of what this experience actually feels like, and why letting go of performance is the path forward.

If this resonates with you, whether you're the guy in this story or the partner trying to help, I work with this all the time. You're not broken. Your relationship isn't doomed.

This is fixable.

Trust me. You've got this.

Sending hugs,

Jane

P.S. Want to talk about this privately? Book a free virtual coffee with me here. We'll figure out what support looks like for your specific situation.